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Is Kinky Sex Crass?

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E. L. James’s book trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed, made a huge international impact, especially on women. While steamy, hot fantasy novels are nothing new, E.L. James opened the bedroom door, and (literally) turned our minds on to the concept of BDSM (“B&D” = Bondage & Discipline), “D&S” = Dominance & Submission, and “S&M” = sadomasochism). As many readers of the novels are aware, the much talked about movie that is based on the books is slated to be released on February 14th, 2015 (yes, Valentine’s Day). Recently, the controversial trailer hit the Internet and television (check it out for yourself: http://www.fiftyshadesmovie.com/). The books, and upcoming movie, address sex—lots of unconventional sex. But, it is also a discourse on sexual exploration and a particular male-female relationship between two consenting adults. In addition, it is about people discovering who they are and what type of person each character wants to be.

Supposedly, there was a lot of negative publicity, especially  from American conservative groups, when the trailer was aired on morning television (Today Show and Good Morning America).  As reported, the trailer was considered too graphic for AM TV and young children could potentially be exposed to sexually explicit content. Additionally, some feminist groups stated that the movie, book and trailer make it acceptable to “abuse, demoralize, and belittle” women. What is really interesting, I didn’t see too many comments about the physical abuse Christian experienced as a child, or being seduced at 15 years old by his mother’s middled aged friend. Nonetheless, this book made millions and appealed to a significant number of women of different ages, social-economic statuses, and backgrounds.

Are people afraid of kinky sex? Does the book promote domestic violence?  Is kinky sex crass? There can be many answers to these questions because those who criticize the books have their own agendas and worldviews.  However, it is important to note that the female protagonist, Anastasia Steele, albeit naive, is a willing participant.  Both her and, the male hero, Christian Grey, are consenting adults who are in love with each other. In fact, there are a few chapters in the book where Anastasia confirms she enjoys many of the couple’s unusual sexual exploits.  And, those activities she did not enjoy, they did not do again.  Furthermore, Christian never forced Anastasia into activities. I think part of the concern about the books is that we live in a society where people are afraid of sexual exploration. Anything outside of missionary position may be perceived as scary, unnatural, or hedonistic. Just talking about basic (vanilla) sex can be considered a taboo conversation. Also, people tend to sometime condemn what they do not understand.

As a relationship success expert, I believe that couples should feel comfortable exploring their sexual natures together.  After all, sex can be fun, pleasurable, and relaxing. It helps couples build trust, and solidify intimate feelings. Sex is a great stress reliever. Not to mention, none of us would be here without it.  Did I mention it can be really fun? As such, sex is a natural activity that humans experience in unique ways according to individual preferences. Sex is both recreational and procreation-focused. Yes, sexual activities can be extreme and intensity can span the spectrum. As long as sex is safe, consensual, between adults, and beneficial to both parties, sex in its varied forms is healthy to talk about, and thrilling to do.  Too often I work with couples or individuals who are afraid to talk about what they like, do not like, or what they sexually want to try with their partner.  I think not communicating your fantasies, sexual needs and preferences is more unhealthy than using handcuffs and toys.  The most important consideration about any form of sexual activity–BDSM, fetishes, or vanilla sex–is doing what is comfortable to you, and not causing harm to your partner or yourself.



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RRLC is an emerging leader in providing an evidence-based coaching practice that can help professional, high-profile couples build and maintain healthy marriages, and professional-minded leaders and executives attain ongoing career success through mindfulness, and collaborative coaching techniques. Our goal is to provide unique coaching plans to help success-focused people achieve their life aspirations. Our two missions are: to help busy executives, leaders, and innovators build and maintain strong healthy marriages, and long-term relationships through our exceptional marriage coaching programs that focus specifically on balancing career and life, and to assist professional-minded industry changers with developing results-oriented career brands, and to develop the right networking and strategy tools to attain ongoing professional growth in high-profile careers through a customized career coaching program. Our coaching plans are unique to our client and focus on motivation, accountability, and balancing two worlds, professional and personal, in order to attain clear goals in both. We see you as an embodiment of your specific experiences as an influencer as well as an individual with the capability of reaching your maximum potential and objectives in every aspect of your life. What makes RRLC different is that we do not cater to everyone. Our clients are particular. Likewise, our services incorporate empirical coaching methods, supported by social cognitive and positive psychology theories and practices, with a mindfulness approach. We provide coaching services at your home or office, or our location. We even offer virtual and phone coaching.

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